What does it mean to be successful?
As a young adult, I feel bombarded by society’s pressure to become “successful.” As kids, we are each shown by our parents/peers/teachers/mentors examples of success – or failure. Mostly lots and lots of failure. As we age, we remember these examples of success and failure as we carve out our lives. Those memories are the tools by which we shape ourselves, and the rulers we use to measure what we have.
Defining “success” has been something of a struggle for me.
When I was a kid, my parents had a pretty idealistic set of expectations set forth. These expectations included the typical achievements: honors courses, attending a university, playing a musical instrument, getting a high-profile job wearing suits in a tall building and so forth. I don’t come from wealth, but I certainly didn’t come from poverty either. We had a lot growing up. We took frequent vacations, had a summer cottage, ate good meals, and spent lots of time with family. Every adult in my family was married with approximately two children who also enjoyed the above-mentioned. The point in highlighting all of this is that everyone around me was doing the same thing. There were very clear expectations of what I was to become.
Defining “success” became more difficult once I joined the military. My entire family was shocked. Here was their son deviating from the plan. I of course knew this. But I also knew I wasn’t ready for college or work. I needed structure and wanted to fight in the war. Being like them just seemed boring. During my time in the Marine Corps I accomplished a lot. My parents did support me, but never could relate. They were finally overjoyed with the discovery that I would be attending a prestigious aeronautical university while also learning how to fly, upon my departure from the military… This lasted two years and I was right back in the Middle East, but not before I got my then-girlfriend pregnant. Their plan was a mess. They made this fact well known.
My life has settled down since those years. I married my “then-girlfriend” and have created a rather beautiful bond with her and our two children. We recently purchased our second house in a gorgeous location in northern Arizona. We have a new car, money in the bank, stable jobs, and loads of free time. But most of all, we have each other. Becoming a family man has opened windows into my soul that could not have opened any other way. I have realized how much I love being married, as well as being a father. I have a lot to be thankful for. So why do I still feel wrong?
The people we become are a direct reflection of our environments. The more I mature, the more I realize how similar I am to my parents – despite still being my own person. It’s unavoidable, really. Our adolescent minds spent years videotaping the world through the lens provided to us. On the inside I felt the pull to become who I wanted. On the outside, the pull seemed at times proportionate to my inner desires. It seemed that there were constantly voices in my head exclaiming:”What will Mom and Dad think? What will they say when I tell them about this? What will everyone else think? How do I compare to that person?” The internet brought with it social media. To self-esteem this can be a nightmare. Now you’re barraged with words and images of people at their best. Of course, no one ever highlights their failures on Facebook. When you’re surrounded by the success of others it can be hard to notice the success you, yourself have achieved.
But to define “success” is to look inwards. There is no single definition that blankets all human beings. To some, wealth means success. To others, it is the opposite. There are hundreds of indigenous tribes throughout the world who don’t possess any of the everyday elements of our [western] society – yet are arguably happier than most people today. But what’s to say that their version of happiness is right? Living on dirt with nothing wouldn’t be compatible for someone coming from our society. One simply cannot judge the success of others based on his/her own perspective. Success comes from within. It is a feeling one gets through raw self-fulfillment. Only you can define “success.”
Today, as I reach thirty years old, I struggle less and less with how my family defined success for me. I have grown to know myself and understand who/what I have become. I know there is little changing most of the characteristics what make me, me. So I no longer fight them. Instead I shape my life around my strengths, and avoid the weaknesses I cannot change. Even my parents have become proud of their son and what I have achieved. I truly feel that they are pleased with my autonomy; It is hard to respect someone who never lived their own life. Learning that success means whatever you want it to mean has opened my mind to vast array of possibilities – but has also made me grateful for what I have.
To the reader, I would challenge you to not compare yourself to me, your peers, or anybody. Rather, compare yourself to yourself, and judge based on your own laws. Liberate yourself of the expectations of others. Be grateful. Be fulfilled. Define success the way you want.
For this is what it means to be truly free.
objectivereasoningblog.com 